I've got a few questions, do you have answers?

If the country owns 40% of Citibank, do we get free checking?
Now that he's company spokesman, can Ed McMahon pay his bills with Cash4Gold?
If you have to pay for it, why is it called Free Credit Report?
Where do COBRA employees get insurance when they lose their jobs?
Why is S-E-X considered a 4-letter word?

Hold the pickle, hold the lettuce

When it comes to the Fed's meaty plan to get US out of this mess, I don't want to hear about the special sauce or fancy trimmings. Like a lot of folks, I'm a plain gal. Just give me the burger.

So here's my advice for Mr. Geitner:

If you want to fill the tall order, show me exactly what you're selling. I'm not asking for just a "Happy Meal," I want to see the full menu.

If you want me to stay and eat, tell me exactly when I can expect my order. I'm not hungry for immediate gratification, I just want to know when I'll be able to taste the first bite.

If you want me to pay the bill, show me the exact price of what you're selling. If it's worth it at ALL costs, I'll pay for it.

And if you want me to swallow it without question, I need to know exactly how it was prepared. I don't care about the simmering process, I want to know how it was toasted, roasted, broiled or baked.

Dumb moves...

Kelloggs.
By dropping Michael Phelps, sees drop in profits.

Octo-mom.
In seeking notoriety, becomes notorious bad mom.

Governor Bobby Jindal.
By badly rapping Obama's stimulus package, gets bad GOP rap.

Rich Americans.
In secretly stashing funds in Swiss banks, must now sue for anonymity.

Beam me up, Scotty...

...it's gotten just too plain weird here on Earth.


Plain liar. Senator Burris still claiming no pay for play.

Plain nuts. The FDA handling of the Georgia plant.

Plain ridiculous. US Airways charging $7 for a pillow.

Plain stupid. Bailout banks spending millions on Hollywood parties.

Plain crazy. Octodad requesting paternity tests on Octomom's 14 kids.

Plain ol' boring. Timothy Geitner

The absurdity of life

Well-to-do governors attend ritzy "black tie" dinner to turn down much-needed monies for their states.

Oscar stars live the high life to accept awards for life in the slums.

Millions of dollars go to executive bonuses for lack of bank funds.

The price of a gallon of gas is on the rise while the price of oil is at a low.

If they only had a brain...

A-Rod
Octomom
all the Real Housewives
and the New York Post cartoon editors

Your own 15 minutes

All you have to do to get famous these days is...

Father a baby at 13.
Have a meltdown when you miss your flight.
Hurl a shoe.
Be obnoxious on Trading Spouses.
Trip and fall on the runway.
Give birth to 14 children you can't afford.
Look stupid on YouTube.

What's love got to do with it?

Some Valentines Day trivia...

In A.D. 496, Pope Gelasius I set aside February 14 to honor Saint Valentine, who was beheaded by Emperor Claudius on the day devoted to love lotteries.

In the Middle Ages, young men and women drew names from a bowl to see who their valentines would be. They would wear these names on their sleeves for one week.

The first true Valentine card was sent in 1415 by Charles, duke of Orleans, to his wife. He was imprisoned in the Tower of London at the time.

Esther Howland, a native of Massachusetts, is given credit for selling the first mass-produced valentine cards in the 1840s.

In 1861 Richard Cadbury reintroduced St. Valentine, creating a heart-shaped candy box for Valentine's Day, and began mass-marketing the first boxes of chocolate shortly thereafter.

Happy Valentines!

A few things I'd like to know

Who would really pay US Airways $7 for a pillow?
Where were all the economy experts last year?
Why is most everything sold on TV for $19.99?
How come they can't make the entire airplane out of the same material as the indestructible black box ?

All the news that's fit to print?

Considering all the important things going on in the world right now, I read a few headlines in the news that, well, I just don't give a damn about:

Where Jennifer Aniston celebrated her birthday.
What Kanye West had to say at the Grammys.
The changing colors of Scarlett Johannson's hair.
The reuniting cast of 90210.
Madonna's new boy toy.
Facebook's 25 Things.
and the origin of Bristol Palin's name.

Is it just me?

After the fact

Why do investigations appear to emerge after the fact...long after. Long after ignoring the evidence, the whistleblowers, the economics, the science, even the truth?

Take today's headline news, for example...

The Tylenol poisonings.
The Jon Benet Ramsey murder.
The Georgia peanut supplier.
The healthcare problem.
The declining auto sales.
The mortgage crisis.
The ponzi schemes.
And global warming.

Why do we always seem to do too litte, too late?

It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World Redux

In the 1963 comedy It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World , director Stanley Kramer told the story of the worst of what can happen if people stumble upon the opportunity to get a lot of money for free. The casting was brilliant... Spencer Tracy, Sid Caesar, Buddy Hackett, Ethel Merman, and so many more.

Well, it seems in 2009 that life has imitated art. Perhaps Hollywood might consider a remake starring a current cast of greedy characters:

John Thain
Rod Blagojevich
Cecil Suwal
A Somali pirate
Sen. Ted Stevens
Joe the Plumber
and in the lead role, Bernie Madoff

From the sublime to the ridiculous

Napoloean Bonaparte said "There is only one step from the sublime to the ridiculous." And boy was he right, just read the news. Here are just a few sublime examples of the ridiculous by comparison:

Christian Bale & Rod Blagojevich:
both share a remarkable use of the English language

Roger Clemens & Ted Haggard:
both live a life in denial

Ashley Judd & Sarah Palin:
both share an avid interest in wolves

Criss Angel & Joe the Plumber:
the popularity of both men is a total mindfreak

Talk about taking a nose dive

Daschle's nomination
Macy's workforce
Starbucks' decaf sales
Georgia's peanuts
Russia's ruble
and Michael Phelps' halo status.

Glub, glub, glub.

The winter of our discontent

Puxatawny Phil saw his shadow this morning, so we're gonna need our hats, scarves and gloves for another six weeks. As the already long winter continues, it seems so will...

partisan bickering
athletic apologies
employee pink slips
bailout bungling
Madoff fallout
Wall Street decline
and, sigh, Sarah Palin.